A Word to Mothers: You can lose your children to parental alienation

A mother's day warning

Published on May 7, 2011 by Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. in Caught Between Parents

As mother's day approaches I want to take a moment to unequivocally state that yes mothers even good mothers can lose their children to parental alienation. One common myth that seems to be "out there" in the world is that parental alienation is something that only happens to fathers and that mothers, because they tend to have residential custody and because (the theory goes) the courts are biased against fathers, rarely lose their kids this way. While no one has data about the exact gender break down, I can say that without a doubt some mothers do and have been victimized in this way. I believe that part of why this is not talked about as much as fathers' experiences of parental alienation is that mothers who do lose their kids this way are overcome with shame and humiliation and tend to not want to go public with their story. In my conversations with targeted mothers a common theme is that they perceive other people as thinking that they must have done something wrong for their child to reject them. Many stay silent for this reason, to avoid being blamed and shamed. Another complicating factor is that many women's rights group denounce the existence of parental alienation, claiming that it is a fabricated problem designed to hurt mothers. Thus, women seeking support and guidance from these groups may be given the message that they are mistaken and/or must stay silent. It is time for targeted mothers to go public and be open about their experience, and make it clear that it is possible to be both a feminist and a victim of parental alienation. I strongly believe that the more people talk about this problem, the more likely it is that it can be prevented and treated. Too often custody cases get bogged down in whether the problem is real rather than focusing on how to resolve the alienation and help heal parent child relationships. In my experience an alienating parent needs three things: (1) motive to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent, (2) access to the child, and (3) skillful use of alienation strategies. These are not the sole purview of either gender.

irishtimes.com - Last Updated: Sunday, July 17, 2011, 11:37

Children 'used as pawns' in disputes

The Manchester-based firm Pannone says that the majority of complaints are made by parents worried about being replaced in their children's affections.

Separated parents are using their children as pawns in disputes over new partners during the summer holidays, according to family lawyers.

One of the UK’s leading family law firms claims that up to three quarters of disputes over residence or contact with children are the result of rows about former partners’ new relationships.
The Manchester-based firm Pannone says that the majority of complaints are made by parents worried about being replaced in their children’s affections.
Cara Nuttall, an associate at Pannone, said: “Spending time with parents during the summer holidays increases the likelihood of children meeting their mother or father’s new partner and, therefore, the potential for problems.
“These situations are so emotive that parents sometimes don’t act or think in a rational manner.”
Pannone also believes that up to 30 per cent of complaints about residence or contact with children are in fact attempts to stop former partners making a fresh start.
Ms Nuttall said: “In our experience and that of colleagues across the country, the problem often lies more with the parents than the children involved.
“Even though it may be difficult to do, parents need to focus on a child’s best interests.”